The latest Metaflix reporting indicates that cinemas in every part of the country and throughout world are open except for New York.
Okay, so that’s not really true, but that’s what it feels like, at least, with everyone else and their mothers being able to go to the theater to watch “Tenet” or “The Personal History of David Copperfield” or “The New Mutants.”
And trust me, I’m not one of those “OPEN EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF MUH FREEDOMS” jack-offs, because I’m not a sociopath. I just want theaters in my area to open, everyone else to stay home because of the risk of catching the ‘rona, and for me to be able to see movies at the cinema all by myself. Is that too much to ask?
Therefore, with theaters open in most of the country, and even more opening in parts of California, Maryland, and New Jersey this weekend–and New York cinemas still remaining darker than a black hole–I suppose the only other option at my disposal is to get Christopher Nolan on the horn and get myself on that water planet of his from “Interstellar.”
I wouldn’t even need to stay the full hour, which equates to seven years. Only like … four minutes? Then this theater closure situation will be over and my fellow New Yorkers and I can go to an actual movie theater and watch actual movies again.